Dear Blake,
I adore my husband of six years. He’s intelligent, accomplished, emotionally mature, kind, loving, and funny. But: He’s fat. When we first started dating, he was a very hot, very muscular mountaineering guide. Now, when he gets home from work, he sits on the couch, drinking beer and watching tv. His laziness and weight are currently enormous turnoffs. I go to the gym at 5 A.M. every day before my job. Though I’m still madly in love with him, I find myself looking at in-shape men. Superficial, I realize! I drop hints, and it never goes well. Is there a way to tell him to shape up? I work hard to stay sexy; shouldn’t he? What should I do?
Signed, Julie
From Helena, Montana
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Dear Julie,
It’s nothing wrong with your desire for your husband to be healthier. And because you don’t think he’s as “sexy” as he used to be, confirms to me that women can be just as shallow as men… like me. However, if you want to encourage him to lose weight without you saying it directly, here are some options. Every time you two sit down for dinner, when he starts eating, play the sound effect on speaker phone of an elephant trumpeting. Or after you prepare a meal for him, replace his plate with an old feeding trough from a barn. And emphasize your subtel message, give him a salad made out of hay. You might even consider packing on the pounds until you start approaching his weight. When your car starts bottoming out on every bump, and your bed springs appear to be begging for mercy when you’re both in it at the same time, he’ll more than likely consider addressing his tonnage. Running is one of the best ways to lose weight, and because you live in Montana, this idea can be easily implemented. Go camping with him in areas that have a high population of grizzlies. At night after he falls asleep, get in your car and drive home, but before you leave, smear all over him honey and salmon. Once a grizzly picks up that scent, do not be surprised if he runs pass you on the expressway… with the extra pounds sweated off or bitten off. I hope this helps.
Blake