Dear Blake,
I’m not a dog person. I am, however, surrounded by dog owners — my family, my husband’s family, my neighbors. My husband has been without a dog for five years (since the beginning of our relationship). Over the last six months, he has begun to ask when he can get “us” a dog. I absolutely do not want one. They’re not clean, they make “messes,” and we will constantly have to find someone to care for it when we travel. I have told him this, yet he continues asking. If I agree with his request, what breed of dog should we get?
Signed, Mia
From Carson, City
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Dear Mia,
I’m not much of a dog lover either. And it’s my belief that the majority of people that buy them are lonely, and that want to interact with another living creature that doesn’t have the capacity to tell them how pathetic they are. There are around 340 species of dogs, so here are a few for your consideration. Pugs are extremely ugly, and if you get one, place it in front of fragile items in your house when guests come over with young children. Its appearance should frighten the average energetic brat away from your treasured possessions. You might want to avoid small poodles, because they pee wherever they want, and they are difficult to catch when you want to discipline them for ruining an expensive rug. If you get an Afghan, keep in mind they are considered to be the dumbest of all the breeds. On occasion, you might even have to get on your knees and eat out of a dog dish, just to remind them how it’s done. After careful consideration, I think you ought to get a Great Dane. Because once they are full grown, you can train it to walk near an unwanted guest that’s sitting, and then walk away while wagging its tail profusely, “backhanding” them with its tail. Rather than apologizing to the visitor, in front of them, give the dog a treat for a job well done. If they don’t get the hint, the next time they come over, tape a brick to the dog’s tail. I hope this helps.
Blake