Dear Blake,

I’m a guy in my last year in college, majoring in computer science. I live with my mother, who’s in her 60s and she works as an elementary school teacher. Right now, we live in an urban area, near some big cities. Most of our family originally lived here, but my siblings all moved to a mid-southern state, one after another. Mom says she wants to retire from teaching as soon as I graduate from college. She also wants to move to the state where my siblings reside, mainly to see her grandchildren more often. I understand her motivation, but the thing is, I’m not sure I want to move. What should I do?

Signed, Elvin

From, Albany, New York

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Dear Elvin,

Knowing that you may be leaving familiar surroundings can be very traumatic. The only thing I can think of, is for you to declare war on your mother, and be as merciless as possible until  she breaks and you get your way. Consider these suggestions. Put her on a guilt trip by saying you believe your birth was a “mistake”, and the man that she said was your father, wasn’t, because you heard rumors that your biological father was a sailor that she dated briefly while he was on shore leave. You can set her up for a crime, testify against her, and then try to convince the judge to put her under house arrest for the rest of her life. How about this one. Have her committed to a mental institution, and then gain power of attorney, where you alone can make all the decisions in her wretched life. But this is the best option that should appease both of you. If she wants to move, let her move. But first do an extensive background check on her, and find something that you can use for blackmail. Then tell her she can pack her bags, but her retirement check through direct deposit, goes directly into your local bank account every month. Also, tell her to add your name to every one of her credit cards. However, don’t use any department store credit cards because their interest rates are too high, because after all, that is your mother and you should try to minimize her financial obligations. I hope this helps.