Dear Blake,

It’s Christmas time and I don’t have much money to spend. I recently retired when I turned 50 because I wanted to pursue my passion of painting, I feel I am a talented artist. However my family disagrees. My wife constantly belittles my paintings, and so does my grown children, my best friend, and even my own parents have made insulting comments to me about my art. What they regularly say is usually stinging and hurtful. Anyway, I still love to paint, I don’t have much money, so I wanted to paint each of them a picture for Christmas, but I’m not sure what to create. I understand that you are very “innovative” with your suggestions. Please help me.

Signed, Joseph

From, Chicago, Illinois

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Dear Joseph,

Art by definition, is very subjective. So I am suggesting that you weaponize your canvas to mount a voracious holiday season attack against all of them! For your best friend, paint a picture of him getting beaten up and robbed as you are driving away from the assault. Explain to him, that you were leaving because your car was brand new, and you weren’t sure if the windows on the car was bulletproof, or if his head would cause dents on your vehicle as the thugs repeatedly slammed it against the fenders. For your children, paint a picture of you jumping for joy, after being handed the results of a DNA test confirming that none of them are biologically yours. For your mother and father, paint a picture of them in the yard of a senior citizen home, as a large meteorite from the sky is about to fall on them. Tell your parents that this has nothing to do with them, because it was inspired by your interest in astronomy. And finally, for your wife. Paint a picture of you listening to headphones and dancing in a cemetery… at her funeral. But to make sure she doesn’t get too upset, tell her you were not listening to a song that made you reminisce  on how you two first met, but you were listening to music that reminds you about one of your recent mistresses. I hope this helps.