Dear Blake,

Every year around Halloween, my six year old son has serious trouble with all of the monsters and ghosts. That means he’s going to spend pretty much all of October in bed with my wife and I. How can I make him less afraid of monsters?

Signed, Arnold
From San Antonio, Texas

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Dear Arnold,

It is unfortunate that your son is terrified of fictitious creatures during Halloween. Rather then sending him to an expensive child psychologist, I’ll offer you some controversial cheaper remedies… that are a lot more entertaining. Here are some of them. How about you and your wife wear some very scary masks to bed? By doing that, your son will probably prefer to sleep in his room, then lay in between two blood thirsty monsters waiting for him doze off and get devoured. Or, you can find an old house in your neighborhood that has a reputation of being haunted, toss him in there, and leave him there all night. But first tell him that if he shows any fear, his friends will mercilessly tease if he comes out with white hair that’s standing on end. This idea may also work. Constantly invite to your home, your nicest ugliest relatives, so he can see that ghouls are actually very friendly people. And finally, the best way to keep him out of your bed at night, is by forcing him to use his natural survival instincts. Every night in October, you and your wife should each eat two cans of beans before you go to bed. And after your natural body functions kick in, he’ll stay in his own room prompted by his desire to have a continual supply of fresh air. I hope this helps.