Dear Blake,

My wife and I raised two children — a son who is a successful doctor and a daughter who is a botanist. We are 72 now, in moderately failing health and very successful ourselves. Our children were raised properly. We gave them all they would ever need to succeed and be happy. However, neither one is particularly interested in a loving relationship with us. Holidays together are strained. Frankly, I’m quite sick of both of them. They are inconsiderate, insensitive and standoffish. We make no demands on either of them and never impose ourselves in any way. They never invite us to anything. We want to move away and disappear. What do you think?

Signed, Ron
From Rock Island, Illinois

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Dear Ron,

I really respect and admire what you did for your children in getting them where they are today. And because you and your wife were responsible for sending them through school and becoming successful, I would urge you to destroy what you created. Here are some ideas to go after those ingrates. Embarrass them with a lawsuit, with you and your wife alleging that they promised to pay both of you back for what you spent on their college education, and you repeatedly refused to accept the money they offered in stolen social security checks. Invite your son (the doctor), to your home, and while he’s there, fake an illness. And later, sue him for malpractice, suggesting in the lawsuit that he was using voodoo and leaches in an attempt to drain some “evil spirits” from your throbbing appendix. And as far as your daughter (the botanist), spread rumors that she is working for a Mexican drug cartel on how to make marijuana more potent, and she also tried to pay for things around town, in pesos. But if you want to get them both at the same, go camping with them and bring plenty of alcohol. Once they get intoxicated, put them in their sleeping bags along with plenty of poison ivy. Considering he’s a doctor and she’s botanist, maybe jointly they can figure out what to do. At the very least, they learn about each other’s career, as they claw themselves to pieces. I hope this helps.