Dear Blake,
My wife is addicted to the phone. One day last week she spent seven hours talking to friends. There is one friend in particular she spends upwards of two hours a day talking to. On weekends they often talk three times in one day. This happens hour after hour, and her friend loves to call at 6 in the evening, meaning we often don’t eat until well after 7. Last week I clocked her at 16 hours on the phone with just this one woman. Do I have a problem here? Or does she?
Signed, Oliver
From Tacoma, Washington
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Dear Oliver,
Do you have a problem or your wife? Well, you both do. Your wife has one based on her obsession, and you have one for not smashing it on the floor in front of her, and then demand that she grabs a broom and sweep up the mess you created. Here are some other options you might want to entertain. Find some electronic genius that can rig her phone where the temperature of it rises 20 degrees every minute she’s on the phone. I think with that, she’ll limit her conversations when it feels like she’s talking through a hot coal. Or, you can start saying some really insulting things about her friend when the two of them are speaking, and appear to be quoting your wife. And this
idea might work. At night, when that chatty chick you married plugs up the phone to charge it, unplug it, and make sure there is no more than 5 minutes of juice every morning when she wakes up. However, if your biggest issue is lack of quality time with your spouse, then do this. You live in Washington state. There is plenty of forestry out there where there will be no signals for phones. Go camping with her for a relaxing weekend. And if she seems to panic because she can’t contact anyone, in the middle of the night, leave her there and go home. On one hand you may find that suggestion insensitive, but on the other hand, you may provide starving bears or wolves with an easy meal. I don’t like PETA, but I think they’ll back me up on this one. I hope this helps.
Blake