I am an 18-year-old guy. A lot of my best friends are super cool and absolutely amazing people. All of them share one thing in common. They all dye their hair different unnatural colors. I have natural hair, but now I feel left out, and I want to do the same. But I wonder what it feels like to have hair like that. Do you have any opinions on the subject of dying hair?
Signed, Anthony
From San Diego, California
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Dear Anthony,
It is very popular nowadays for men your age to color their hair. And the selected color is always an accurate gauge on how screwed up your generation is. Here are some examples. If one of your friends chooses blue, that indicates that they are constantly depressed. These are the people that want to unload their problems on everybody, and who’s presence can make people feel like they’re attending a funeral. If they choose green, it strongly suggests that they are dangerous envious of you and others, and they are regularly secretly plotting against you. Plus, according to FBI profilers, green is the favorite color of axe murderers. If they choose multiple colors, then they likely have a dual personality, if not a lot more. This is consistent with schizophrenic people gravitating to an array of colors such as crayons, rainbows, or an Asian tourist in the United States trying to dress “cool”. And finally, if any of your friends choose a fiery red color, it means they know they’re going to hell, because that’s the path of most of the people in your generation. But the good news is, they can party all they want in the night clubs down there, as long as they don’t mind that the dance floor is made of hot coals, and the “no shoes” policy being strictly enforced. I hope this helps.
Blake