Dear Blake,
This is embarrassing. I am 30 and don’t drive. I have extreme anxiety and a learning disorder that affects my visual spatial perception. I try to hide this as much as possible, but I’m worried the truth will come out. Should I disclose it to employers? New friends? Acquaintances?
Signed, Gwynn
From Melrose Park, Illinois
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Dear Gwynn,
Because you are an emotionally screwed up person, you shouldn’t feel obligated to inform anyone that doesn’t already know. So lying through your teeth about your situation is acceptable, considering your emotional instability. Ok, here are some ideas. Buy a bike and use that to get around. And to enhance the facade, often call car owners every vile name you can think of, accusing them of destroying the environment, and be just as critical of their passengers. Or, if anyone asks you why you don’t drive, tell them that you had your license revoked due to several road rage incidents you were involved in, and you’re going to punch the next person that brings the subject up. And if anyone ever asks you to drive their car, tell them you’re too embarrassed to get behind the wheel of “that” particular model because of what you read about it in Consumer Reports, or simply say it’s “too raggedy”. However, if you need to go long distances, do it the old fashioned way, hitchhike, but always keep your cell phone on. That way, if you’re ever given a ride by a crazed drifter wanted by the police, law enforcement can use the phone signal to determine the general area they should search, to locate your scattered hacked up body parts. I hope this helps.
Blake