Dear Blake,

I am in a loving and rewarding marriage. Because we have no children, my husband and I are best friends who devote most of our time to each other. My issue is with some of his habits. He is kind of clumsy, and this has resulted in the destruction of many things in our home — our carpet (spills that can’t be cleaned), coffee table (discolored from spilling a caustic material) and sofa (spilled wax and cigar burns). I know he doesn’t do this intentionally, but nonetheless, it makes me irate. And it is constant. He apologizes for it, yet it occurs repeatedly. Is there anything I can do to change this, or must I accept the incremental destruction of my home?

Signed, Agnes
From Bemidji, Minnesota

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Dear Agnes,

I feel bad about your spouse slowly destroying your home. However there is some precautions you can take to minimize the carnage of that bumbling buffoon. Here are some suggestions. If he constantly spills on the carpet, remove it and replace it with dirt floors. So the next time he spills, he’ll be more cautious when he starts walking in mud. Or, put plastic over everything, and by the time he’s about 80, it won’t bother him when you put plastic over your mattress to deal with his eventual bladder control issues. And this idea might work. Replace your sofas with lawn chairs, and when he spills, hose them down when he’s done. But maybe you need to get rid of him altogether, so this is my final suggestion. I have no idea where he is currently employed, but if you feel it’s time for him to go, take out an insurance policy on him, and then persuade that clumsy klutz to quit his job to join a circus as tightrope walker. I hope this helps.