Dear Blake,

My significant other and I recently bought an old farmhouse. We have been together for five years and have a great relationship. He has his quirks, just as I have mine, but one in particular has surfaced since buying the house. He stomps going up and down the three flights of stairs. It’s annoying and rude. If I head to bed early, it wakes me up. He claims he can’t help it. What can I do?

Signed, Brenda
From Henniker, New Hampshire

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Dear Brenda,

If someone was doing that to me, it would drive me crazy, so I feel your pain. In relationships people should always be willing to compromise, but in his case, you should wage war on that insensitive loser. Ok, here are some options should entertain. For starters, remove every other step. That should slow him down from stomping and probably reduce his desire to nervously go up or down the three flights. Or, see if you can’t obtain some explosive devices that are sensitive to sound, and place them on each step reminding him regularly that his heavy feet might cause him to get blown to pieces. You should be able to purchase these type of bombs from any James Bond fanatic, or homegrown terrorists. And here’s an option that might work. If you can afford it, hire a security guard that will stop him from ascending the stairs when you’re sleeping. And if he attempts anyway, have your employee massage his skull with a night stick. However, if you just want to keep it simple, try this. Replace the wooden steps on the third flight, with balsa wood, so when Big Foot steps on one, he crashes through and plummets to the floor. And just in case he is the manipulative type, when he gets out of the hospital no matter how much he asks, do not make anything in the house wheelchair accessible. I hope this helps.