Dear Blake,

The holiday season is approaching fast, and here’s my issue, my husband refuses to go shopping with me. I admit when we go to the mall, I stop in every store and I can make a full day of the outing. We’ve been married for 25 years, and he has refused to go Christmas shopping with me at the mall every time. What should I do?

Signed, Lynette
From Seattle, Washington

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Dear Lynette,

Here’s the universal truth. Men do not like window shopping, especially with someone they are married to. The only way you’re going to get your husband off the couch and away from ESPN is through manipulation and lying… so here’s some tips on how to do it. As he sees you preparing to leave for a possible spending spree, mumble to yourself “I can’t wait to max out these credit cards.” Or, let him hear you talking on the phone telling one of your friends that you are so excited about observing some “hot” body builders work out at the mall promoting some new gym equipment, that believes in one night stands with no strings attached. Try this idea. While he’s soundly sleeping late at night, turn the lights on and shake him violently to wake him up, and then go over a list of reasons why he should accompany you as you wander from store to store. Do that until he either agrees to go or until you get assaulted. But if you want to make a deal with him, try to appeal to his hormones. Tell him you will let him go see some strippers that removes “everything”, and you will pay for the entire evening. And after he agrees and goes to the mall with you and decides what evening he wants to go out, drive him to a chop shop, where crooks are stripping cars and then selling the stolen parts for profit. Also be sure and take the handful of singles he brought with him, and then guilt him into giving you even more money, after accusing him of not taking his marriage vows seriously. Don’t buy him anything for Christmas either. I hope this helps.