Dear Blake,
One of my sons is dating a young woman who seems to care deeply for him, but is very cool and distant to our family. He goes to nearly all of her family’s events, but she seldom comes to any of ours.
She has been to one birthday get-together at a restaurant, a wedding and a play where I bought the tickets for her, myself and all my daughters-in-law. She has been invited to family dinners at one or another of our homes, Christmas celebrations, Thanksgivings, birthdays — you name it — but has not come to any of them. My husband and I hand-make our gifts to her, which require a lot of time and effort. Last year, she sent us each a gift for Christmas.
They have been dating for several years. When they are apart, she texts him constantly. I am confused and troubled by her indifference to us. We have been more than welcoming to her. Is there anything I or we could do to help her warm up to us?
Signed, Harriet
From Chicago, Illinois
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Dear Harriet,
There could be several reasons why your son’s girlfriend doesn’t want to be around your family. And you might find her excuses insulting, if not outright disturbing. Let’s examine some possibilities. It might be your living standard. If you live in a nice house and hers is dilapidated and raggedy, she might avoid so she doesn’t have to deal with possibe feelings of inadequacy. If you live in a nice house and hers is a lot nicer, she may feel disgusted if she believes she is hanging out in the slums. It could be the she finds members of your household boring, and she didn’t want to look disrespectful if she compulsively yawns every time one of you speaks. It might even be your appearance. If you’re really pretty, she may become very envious, and if you’re really ugly, your face might be inducing nightmares. But it’s possible it may be none of those, and she simply may not want to be seen in public. And if her reason for that is what I think it is, she may become a little more social, after the FBI removes her from their “Most Wanted” list. I hope this helps.
Blake