Dear Blake,
Due to the coronavirus, it has been very difficult for me to find the items I normally purchase when I go grocery shopping. This is so frustrating. On most occasions I have to buy substitute items, and I’m lucky if I can even find those. I’m not sure what to do at this point. A friend of mine who reads your advice column regularly, suggested that I ask you. Got any advice?
Signed, Elaine
From Burlington, Vermont
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Dear Elaine,
In these trying times, you must think outside the box. Your will to survive should mirror that of a hungry tiger, or a shark swimming along in the shallows off the coast of California waiting for idiot humans that ignored the clearly posted warning signs near the shore. There are some easy ways to get the food and other items that you desire, by following the following simple steps.
1. Make a list of the items that you want.
2. Go to a store where the sold out items are normally, and make a note regarding which aisle they are usually stocked.
3. Find out what time the store opens, and be there two hours early.
4. Once you arrive, if there are some shopping carts outside, get one, and make sure that all the wheels are good and rolls smoothly.
5. Throw a brick through the glass door, and quickly rush in with your cart.
6. Stick to the list you made because you know where those items are located, and then get out of the store through the same broken glass you came through, by going as fast as you can run.
9. And finally, don’t worry about the police. Because even if they show up and catch you in the act, they can now easily be bribed with a couple of rolls of toilet paper.
I hope this helps.
Blake