Dear Blake,
I am 49. I have never married or had kids, and I am having a hard time finding the right woman for me. I have tried dating sites, dances, etc., and it seems like women are not interested in a gentleman anymore. I am about to give up on women because I don’t know what else to do. They like the bad-boy type, and I’m not one of them. Can you help me?
Signed, Richard
From Houston, Texas
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Dear Richard,
“Nice guys finish last” is not only a cliché, but it’s true. So to make yourself more appealing to these dimwitted misguided women, give them what they want. Here are some ideas. For your initial contact, pretend to be writing to them from prison, because some women fall in love with inmates. The more violent you say you are, the more they will want you, and keep in mind that some of those airheads find serial killers, irresistible. Or, tell a woman that you meet at a party, you recently beat up a cop for having his siren on near your house while you were trying to take an afternoon nap. And this one might work. Tell a potential girlfriend, you are no longer invited to family gatherings because the last one you attended, you knocked out your grandfather for forgetting your name, and you felt him having dementia was not an acceptable excuse. But if you want to keep it simple with a dramatic visual effect, try this last idea. If you are on your first date, sprinkle some phony blood on your knuckles, right before you meet her. When she asks you what happened, tell her that you punched a cashier in the face for not bagging your groceries fast enough. And to make sure she can relate, you should also add that the cashier criticized you for having 11 items in the 10 or less lane. I hope this helps.
Blake