Dear Blake,

My friend just ended a relationship with her boyfriend of over two years that had progressed to them moving in together. About eight months ago, she found out he was having an online relationship, but they talked it out and decided to give it another try. Now, after learning he has another woman online, she kicked him out.

He is working to get her back, and she seems to want to give him another chance. I think it’s a losing game for her and more disappointment down the line. My question is, how honest should I be about my unwillingness to go along with giving him a third chance?

Signed, Beverly
From Tucson, Arizona

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Dear Beverly,

It appears to me that your friend is blinded by love. So because of that, I feel you should be her seeing eye attack dog. Here are some things you should suggest to your friend. Tell her due to the fact that her boyfriend apparently can’t control his hormones, if he moves back in with her, she should deny him access to the internet, his cell phone, and all “R” rated movies on cable that has nude scenes. Or, have him delete his Facebook account, right after he inboxes all of his female friends, alleging hat they’re ugly and stupid, and that’s why he hates them. Or maybe this one. If your friend allows him back in, she should force him to wear an ankle monitor so your friend can track his whereabouts. And if he goes somewhere that she feels he shouldn’t be, the ankle monitor should be fitted with a small explosive that can blow his leg off, along with other organs that her boyfriend would deem essential. Lastly, if at all possible, hack his account and say some creepy things to those women, and hopefully they’ll block him without giving an explanation. Say things to those women like “Does Walmart have a price break on body bags if I buy them in volume?” Or, “What’s your favorite color, because right before we meet face-to-face, I plan on spray painting an axe.” This should end those relationships… and probably get him put under police surveillance. I hope this helps.