Unconfirmed Breaking News

Dear Blake,

I was a lifeguard at the ocean, but I was recently fired. In both cases, a couple of people drowned while I was texting a couple of cute guys that were hitting on me earlier in the day. When I saw the two people gasping for air, I admit I shouldn’t have shouted to them, “Hang on for a second until I finish sending this message!” I still think at the most I should have gotten just a warning from my employer, because firing me in my opinion was way too harsh. What’s your take?

Signed, Susan,
From San Clemente, California

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Dear Susan,

I feel sorry regarding your loss of income because jobs are difficult to come by these days. However, even though I understand that we all need money, we also all need to keep a continual amount of oxygen in our lungs while in the ocean. Maybe you should’ve posted a sign, telling weak swimmers to be respectful of your social life. Or even setting some cups along the shore encouraging swimmers on your watch to drink up before entering the ocean, so they can get used to swallowing saltwater. But, if you really want get your job back, do something that will really impress your employer. Show them an example of how dedicated and fearless you are, by swimming in shark infested waters while carrying a ham. It will also be a good idea before displaying your bravery to your bosses by updating your living will, and to also leave near the shore, a copy of your dental records to expedite your identification. I hope this helps.

Blake