Dear Blake,

My older sister moved in with me after she was placed on furlough because of the pandemic. I was resistant to her moving in because she likes to run the show, she has taken financial advantage of every family member, never admits she’s wrong, and I was worried she’d take over. But I wanted to help her save money, so I said yes.

Now it’s like I’m walking on eggshells. Every time I make a simple request, she accuses me of trying to act like her mother! After six months she asked if I’d prefer she move in with our parents, and I said yes. Now she’s upset, and my parents are begging me to let her stay because they don’t want to deal with her. I just want my peace back. What should I do?

Signed, Claude
From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Dear Claude,

Your big sister seems to be quite a handful. If you decide to yield to your parents and let her return, you must lay down the law before that witch flies back to your place. Here are some suggestions. Tell her she can come back to your place, but you will treat her as a renter, charging her $600 per month. Break it down that she has to pay $20 everyday and she should be grateful that she’ll get the family member discount in short months like February. Or, you can buy her a doghouse and let her live in your backyard. And she can tell any neighbors that notices where she’s staying, that either she’s dwelling in a doghouse because either you’re real insensitive, or she’s really unattractive. You can tell her she can live at your home with free room and board, which means, if she doesn’t give you enough room, you’ll hit in the head with a board. And this last idea might be the best one to permanently resolve this issue. Convince your parents to say there was a mix up at the hospital, and she’s not really their daughter or your sister. And then have your parents tell her real biological father came to visit her at the hospital the day she was born, wearing a red suit and carrying a pitch fork. Also tell them, when she was in the nursery at the hospital, doctors and nurses were baffled at why smoke continuously arose from her blanket. I hope this helps.