Dear Blake,

I love my grown children and grandchildren, but I hate it when they come “home” for a week or more. My house gets turned upside down and inside out, and I end up losing my temper. Then I feel like an awful mother. I suggested we all meet somewhere else, but it didn’t go over well. Help!

Signed, Mary
From Buffalo, New York

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Dear Mary,

So, your family doesn’t want to meet somewhere else? What you need to do is “persuade” them to never want to come over your, and I mean never! Here are some ideas for the next time they visit. Put some very large rat traps in your home, and tell them after you finally get rid of the “little” rats, your goal is to finally catch the big one. Or, let them see you standing over a boiling pot at your stove, while holding a cook book for road kill. Or this idea. Have a sign on your front door that reads “Homeless people are welcome to stay for extended periods of time, even if you have very serious lice issues”. And finally, put some phony bullet holes on your window, and allege a couple of days ago, you told a gangbanger he was a wimp and a chump, and that he probably couldn’t shoot straight. You might even want to add that you told him that you have some relatives that can easily rough him up. Do not be surprised if at that point your family will only communicate by phone, or through mailed letters that do not have a return address. I hope this helps.