Dear Blake,

A friend of mine has a 70-pound dog that behaves badly. When I visit her, it sprints out of the front door, barking, and jumps on my car. It has left 3 1/2-inch-long deep scratches on two of my vehicles. She yells at it, and eventually the dog stops, but not before jumping on me and leaving me muddied and snagged.

This friend is due to have a baby, and I am sure she will be inviting me over to meet the baby soon. How can I avoid further damage to my car and clothing without damaging my friendship?

Signed, Regina
From Santa Fe, New Mexico

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Dear Regina,

I’m sorry for the stress your friend’s dog is creating. But, if she is not willing to control that irritating mutt, then you must be the aggressor, and take no prisoners! Here are some ideas. Give her a bill for your clothes and car, and even add medical bills from the back injury you’ll fake from getting pounced on by her mangy pet. Or, drive slowly in your car, and lead that mongrel to some people that live nearby who are from another country, that treats dogs like you and I treat a cows… also ring a dinner bell when you pull up. Or maybe this. Tell her that while she has that dog, it would be best if you only see her on Zoom, because if her dog jumps on you again, the next time you see it after that, you will be carrying an automatic weapon that you’ll be eager to use. And finally, because you live in New Mexico, you ought to bring a pet cat over to her place… a bobcat. After that visit, it’s unlikely that her dog will jump on you or you car again, because it will be difficult for it to do that… with no eyes. I hope this helps.