Dear Blake,

Several years ago, while living with my sister, I bought a $900 rowing machine I could barely afford. I loved it and used it often. Two years ago, since we were moving out, I decided to let my sister take the rowing machine because my new apartment building had three and hers had no gym at all. It worked perfectly, and I thought I was doing her a favor because she couldn’t afford a gym membership. My intention was to take back the rowing machine when I eventually had room to put it somewhere in a future home.

Well, after recently moving into my new home and requesting she return it, she informed me that it was hers now. That was never my intention. She has gotten my other sister and our parents to side with her, and they’re making me feel like a bad person for even asking for it. Now I’m left to shop for a new machine, while the original sits in her new large home gym along with her Peloton.

She never offered to buy it, ever. She just insists it’s hers now because I “gave” it to her. I still need a rowing machine, and I get upset every time I look at new ones online. It just feels wrong that I have to buy another one. What should I do?

Signed, Archie
From San Diego, California

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Dear Archie,

What your sister is doing is comparable to stealing. And because she established herself as a thief, should retaliate completely devoid of mercy. Here are some ideas. You might get her to return to you, after giving her a bogus article on how rowing machines causes permanent spinal injuries, and your particular model is the worst one. Or, give her some weights she can work out with, and as she’s doing that, you and a couple of your friends can take the rowing machine out quickly. As she sees you placing it in your car, tell her there’s a reason you left her with some “dumb bells”. If you would really like to play with her mind, find a hypnotist that secretly hypnotizes her to the point, that anytime she gets on the rowing machine, she’ll imagine that she’s in the water being chased by a shark. And if you also want to cause nightmares, play the theme to Jaws while she’s rowing, to induce a complete nervous breakdown. And lastly, if you want a permanent solution to the problem. Buy her a real rowboat and convince her to take it out on the ocean. There is a naval installation in San Diego, so if you have a friend in the Navy that has access to torpedoes on a submarine, have him track and sink her. But, if he can’t do it for you, you can just place a bomb on the boat with a timer, in the end, the results will be about the same… BOOM!!! I hope this helps.