Dear Blake,
My husband and I have been together 20 years. In the middle of our living room sits an albatross of a wooden coffee table. My husband’s girlfriend made it for him in the late ’60s/early ’70s. I think it weighs 500 pounds.
I am finally redecorating the house and I want this table out of my life, but he won’t hear of it. He says there will be absolutely no negotiating on the subject. I have tried every approach. I feel like I’m second fiddle to his past. How can I move forward without such resentment?
Signed, Irma
From Helena, Montana
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Dear Irma,
It is obvious that your husband is deeply attached to the piece of furniture you described. However, if it bothers you that much, I think you are obligated to remove that pathetic nauseating eyesore with any means possible. Here are some ideas. Saw off a half an inch on each leg of the table everyday. Continue doing it until your husband wants to throw it out (and he won’t be sure why), or until it is reduced to a flat piece of plywood laying in the middle of the floor. Or, the next time you and your husband go out of town, pay someone to break in your house and steal your furniture. You can then do some “detective” work, and find all of your possessions in a local storage container… minus the table. Your husband may be so grateful to get all of his other items back, that he won’t complain about the table that is never recovered. Or this idea. Leave a window open, and use that as an explanation on why the table was completely destroyed… after you secretly rented a flock of woodpeckers. And lastly, tell him you love the table, and you want to redecorate the entire living room inspired by the one piece of furniture. When you tell him tell him how much you plan on spending, it won’t be long before your husband is polishing the table… with an axe. I hope this helps.
Blake