Dear Blake,
For the last four or five years I have been receiving holiday cards from an ex-girlfriend of mine. I haven’t had contact with her since meeting my wife. My wife and I have been together for six years, married for two. The cards keep coming and it’s starting to make my wife uncomfortable. How do I respectfully tell my ex to quit sending them? I don’t have anything in common with this person other than that we used to be boyfriend and girlfriend back in high school.
Signed, Derek
From Wheeling, West Virginia
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Dear Derek,
I’m not sure why she continues to send you holiday cards now that the relationship is over with. But if you want to get her to stop, start sending her some cards that aren’t exactly appropriate. Here are some ideas. Send her a sympathy card saying you are sorry for her loss… referring to her brain. Send her a birthday card, telling her that historically, the day she was born is the only day of the year that nothing positive has ever happened. Send her a Mother’s Day card, with a note that says, “Under the highly unlikely possibility some blind drunken man impregnated you, Happy Mother’s Day!” Lastly, send her a card congratulating her as if she recently finally finished high school. Include that you think you could’ve married her if she wasn’t the dumbest person in your class, your school, and possibly the entire state, and considering she lives in West Virginia, that’s really saying something. I hope this helps.
Blake