Dear Blake,

I am a divorced single mother who has finally met someone. His name is “Greg,” and we’ve been dating for two months. Greg is also divorced and financially stable. The one thing I really like is that he gets along well with my teenage son.

The problem is, every two or three weeks, Greg falls into a deep sleep that lasts three days. He’ll get up for a glass of water or to run to the store, but goes right back to sleep. It causes him to miss work, and oftentimes he becomes verbally abusive during these episodes.

Over Christmas, I saw him coherent for only 10 minutes the entire weekend. When he wasn’t half-asleep, he was calling me names, belittling my self-worth and telling me nobody but he would ever love me so I had “better stay.” On Christmas Eve, I was left alone and crying in a dark living room.

When these episodes aren’t happening, he’s attentive and charming. His daughter told me he’s been like this for years. I feel resentful about everything he’s put me through in such a short amount of time, but I’m afraid I will never find someone else after being single and lonely for so long. Can I get your advice on how to view his situation?

Signed, Grace
From Portland, Oregon

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Dear Grace,

This is a first for me, as I have never heard of this type of medical issue. Fortunately, I have a lot of ideas on how to deal with the snoozing insensitive screwball you’re currently involved with. Here are some ideas. The next time he goes on one of his sleeping binges, pack his feet in ice. When he wakes up and realizes what you’ve done to him and why, he’ll have to sit down and talk it out with you because people can hardly walk when they have frostbite and/or hypothermia. Or, when he starts his 72 hour nap, put a bomb under his bed that won’t go off until the third day. That’ll give you plenty of time to move to a country that doesn’t have an extradition agreement with the United States. Or this idea. While he’s out like a light, dress him up in some torn, tattered, and smelly clothes, and place him on a park bench with an empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. When he comes back to your place, convince him that he’s nothing more than a delusional drunken bum, and slam the door in his face showing your tolerance for panhandlers. And my last idea is this. During the next holiday season, when he falls into one of his deep sleeps, whip him with a pine filled branch from a fresh Christmas tree, prompted by your frustration with his behavior. And when he wakes up in pain, while you’re taking him to the hospital for his “unexplainable” injuries, try not to laugh as he repeatedly asks why he smells like evergreen. I hope this helps.