Dear Blake,

My husband and I are friendly with another couple our age. They are kind and generous and would do almost anything for us. They like to meet us for an occasional dinner. The problem is the husband feels compelled to put on a show in the restaurant, telling jokes and kidding with the waitstaff and patrons sitting around us. The wife talks almost constantly, and so does her husband, so it’s hard to have a conversation with them. They take forever ordering and think nothing of holding up the table for hours.

We went out last night and I “hinted” that I’m uncomfortable with the unnecessary attention and would like us to be more low-key. The response was, “We like to have fun. It makes us happy, and people always thank us because we make their day.” I think people just play along and secretly find them annoying.

I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I don’t know what to say if they ask us out again. My husband feels the same as I do. Any suggestions?

Signed, Ava
From Dallas, Texas

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Dear Ava,

It’s obvious that your friends have no idea on how irritating they are. Maybe you and your husband should do some things that are just as irritating, and put those two Bozos and in a position to negotiate. Here are some ideas. The next time you go to a restaurant with the couple from hell, tell the server that Mr. Entertainer has an extremely rare disease, and he needs get hit in back of the head with a heavy glass plate, every ten minutes to stay alive. Or, tell your server that he recently contracted a sexual disease, and the only relief from the pain, is for the chef to pour some hot grease in his lap. Because his talkative wife only stops talking when she tries to catch her breath during her boring monologues, try to jam some breadsticks down her throat while her mouth is open. And if she starts choking, block access to her from anyone at the restaurant that shouts out that they know the Heimlich maneuver. And lastly, one of the easiest ways to shut that couple down, is to keep with you some 8 x 10 glossy pictures of a murder scene, that you pass around the table when they get started with their antics. And warn them they if they don’t change their behavior around you and your spouse, they might be in the next batch of 8 x 10 glossies. I hope this helps.