Dear Blake,

When I was leaving work last Friday, I caught two co-workers in a passionate kiss. The elevator doors were just about closed, but I waved my hand and they opened back up. I averted my eyes before they realized I was there and jumped apart. Because I was in shock, I made some nervous small talk and did not acknowledge the elephant in the elevator.

My issue is they are both upper management and married to other people. I have no plans to “out” them, but I’m confused about how to interact with them going forward. I work with them on a daily basis as well as attend company parties, which their spouses usually attend. Any advice would be appreciated as my respect for them has plunged.

Signed, Eloise
New York City, New York

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Dear Eloise,

What you witnessed was obviously very awkward. However, there are several ways to benefit from the information, while turning both of them into pathetic nervous wrecks. Here are some options you should entertain. Talk to them about fast tracking your career, getting you to the point where you will be both of their bosses. When that happens, you can impose your will on them, “without” using blackmail. If you need a new car, to show that you are fair with your extortion, make one of them supply the down payment, and the other one makes the monthly payments. Or, tell them that the company recently installed cameras in the elevators, and now their employer has footage of them, as well as other “couples” that are cheating whores. And lastly this idea. At the annual company picnic, approach the innocent spouses and asked them how is the swinger lifestyle? And when they ask you what you meant by that, tell both of them what you saw on the elevator, including fabricating illicit details. Videotape them when a brawl breaks out, because the D.A. may want the actual footage to determine if he/she wants to charge any of the wronged spouses with attempted murder. I hope this helps.