BREAKING NEWS – Boston, Massachusetts – A court has ruled in the favor of Senator John Kerry, regarding his civil suit against ABC. DNA tests has proven that the late Ted Cassidy who played “Lurch” in the Addams Family, was his biological brother, thus he is entitled to some of the dvd royalties. Kerry also stated that he became a democrat because he was inspired by “Thing” in the Addams Family, because it always had its hand out.