BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – After being recently released from a “clinic”, Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. officially resigns. In a written statement, he praises his supporters, the state of Illinois, and how much pride he has as being the only person in U.S. history that got reelected while in a mental institution. He added that he will be encouraging his replacement to lobby for laws that limits the amount of time that person can be forced to wear a strait jacket.