BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – The Chicago City Council will soon decide whether to ban the use of plastic bags at most stores in the city. Mayor Rahm Emanuel stated that they chose to address this issue, because of the city’s ongoing embarrassing failure to ban guns, and they need to focus on more obtainable goals. Two other objectives they feel comfortable they can meet in the near future, is to ban people from doing wheel stands on the expressway while riding unicycles, and to make it illegal to hunt blue whales in Lake Michigan.