BREAKING NEWS – Boston, Massachusetts – Crews finally removed a time capsule dating back to 1795 from the granite cornerstone of the Massachusetts Statehouse, where historians believe it was originally placed by Revolutionary War luminaries Samuel Adams and Paul Revere among others. The X-rayed contents reflected several newspapers, including an article about PETA complaining that Paul Revere did not give his horse enough time to rest during his famous midnight ride, and the liberals accusing then President George Washington of using unnecessary enhanced interrogation methods to extract information from captured British soldiers.