BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – According to the most recent FBI crime statistics, some people appear to be born criminals. The FBI Director James B. Comey, stated that some newborns in hospital nurseries across the country that are no more than hour old, are showing glaring signs of criminality. He further explained that linguistic experts have finally deciphered the gurgles and crying of these future felons in nurseries. The shocking conclusion was, many of the infants were discussing with others on how to form a ruthless and brutal cartel that could corner the market on pacifiers and baby blankets.