BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – President Obama, with an eye on cementing his legacy, used his final State of the Union address to defend his record on national security. At one point he got an enthusiastic standing ovation from both parties, after he revealed his ongoing secret plan. “When I first took office, militia groups, home grown terrorists, and terrorists from abroad wanted to take over this great nation. Due to some of the decisions I have made over the past seven years, I have this country so screwed up so bad, that ‘would-be-threats’ are beginning to see that this government is no longer worth overthrowing. Rest well America because I’ve reached my goal. We’re safe now.”
