BREAKING NEWS – Baltimore, Maryland – After a 25 year study, Johns Hopkins Hospital has concluded that lazy people live longer than people who have retired after decades of working. They explained that “hearts and limbs of lazy people were in better shape than career people due to lack of use, thus appearing to be newer. They also seemed to be more alert due to self-imposed limited brain activity, which in turn created a drastic reduction in wear and tear caused by thinking.” The famous medical facility went on to say that worthless freeloaders worldwide should feel vindicated.