BREAKING NEWS – Beaverton, Oregon – Nike has finally announced when it will begin selling its self-lacing sneakers inspired by the shoes worn by Michael J. Fox in Back to The Future II. Each shoe has an internal cable system made from fishing line and a pressure sensor in the sole. When you put your foot in, the cables tighten based on “an algorithmic pressure equation,” and this fit can be adjusted throughout the day with a pair of buttons near the tongue. Nike is currently designing turtlenecks for several prisons in the United States. It works on the same principle as the shoes, and it gives inmates on death row the option of dying through lethal injection, or being quickly strangled by a sweater.