BREAKING NEWS – London, England – Stephen Hawking is giving humanity a tall order: Colonize Mars in the next century or watch as life on Earth fizzles out. After last year claiming that humans have 1,000 years left on Earth, Hawking says in a new documentary that we instead have about 100 years until we’ll need to jump ship from this planet. When asked by the BBC how could he prove that this planet will be uninhabitable within a century, Hawking went beserk. “Who are you to question me?” he stated through his computer. “I am the smartest person that ever lived and you’re asking for proof to validate my suggestion? I have diplomas on every freakin’ wall in my house! My brain is packed with so much information it’s pathetic!” At this point, Hawking’s agent removed him from the interview, giving him time to calm down and compose himself, but he returned about 15 minutes later speaking calmly. “In the beginning, when I created the heavens and the earth…”
