BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – After analyzing the mountain of information obtained from Osama bin Laden’s compound, the CIA believes that his most likely successor will be Ayman al-Zawahir. U.S. Intelligence believes he is just as hostile towards America, except based on his credit card charges, he’ll more than likely ban all attacks near “Bed, Bath & Beyond” stores, because that’s his favorite place to buy towels that he uses for turbans.