BREAKING NEWS – Stockton, California – Mayor Michael Tubbs is about to pay $1,000 a month to residents deemed most likely to shoot somebody, and the program is called “Advance Peace”. “If my new bold plan works, I plan to offer people $750 not to stab someone, $500 not to punch a person in the face while wearing some brass knuckles, and $100 for an individual not to use a car to run over their spouse during a bitter divorce.”