BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – A copy of Hillary Clinton’s first draft concession speech, that she planned on giving the night she lost instead of the following morning, has now been made public. The notes to herself are also included.
“Well, it looks like I lost again, to another man. (Pan across the audience). When I look out at all of your sad faces, I have very little sympathy for you. You people didn’t work hard enough to persuade voters to embrace a message that I didn’t really have, so you should’ve made up one that appealed to your loser friends. And now you have the audacity to be crying in this auditorium after you didn’t do your job thoroughly enough for me to win? You people make me sick! (Point finger at different sections in the auditorium while yelling). This is your fault! And your fault! And your fault!
(Begin speaking calmly). I lost to a black man in 2008 and a white man 2016. If I run again in 2024, will I lose to a Hispanic man or an Asian man? You useless dimwits are not worthy of me! None of you! Maybe I should’ve just let John Podesta come here, and leave it to that bonehead to come up with an excuse to send you people home, without me making this concession speech at this time. Ok, that’s all I wanted to say. I am starting to get physically ill by looking at your droopy wretched faces… that I’d love to slap. If you’re lucky, I’ll forgive you people. And in eight years, maybe out of the goodness in my heart, I’ll seek your support, assuming I decide to run again in 2024. (Wave hand while sneering). Good night, suckers.”