BREAKING NEWS – Sumter, South Carolina – Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders, unveiled his plan for reforming public education in the U.S., including halting federal funding of new charter schools and banning those that are for-profit. “If I were president, I would make it a felony for any learning institution to make money from educating the children of our future,” he explained to the cheering audience. “Teachers should not get paid a penny either, and it should be a lifetime commitment of volunteer work. American missionaries did not get paid when they went all over the world to share the teachings of the bible, and neither should teachers in this nation, working in the mission fields of our children’s minds!” The crowd stood up and began giving him a standing ovation as he concluded. “God bless the citizens of South Carolina, and God bless socialism in America!”