BREAKING NEWS – Baltimore, Maryland – The new mayor of Baltimore — one of America’s most dangerous cities — wants rival factions to put down their guns and put up their dukes. During a speech at an anti-gun violence rally, Mayor Bernard “Jack” Young advocated organized fights as a means to solve disputes without using weapons. “There’s mediation. If they wanna really settle them, we can have them down at the Civic Center, put a boxing ring up, and let them go and box it out,” Young told WBAL. “And if one of the opponents gets killed, we’ll have on site, a coroner and a crematorium. Plus, we won’t be discriminating based on age. Senior citizens that have grievances against another senior citizen, can also settle their differences in the ring, by clubbing each other on their heads with oxygen tanks, kicking each other in the pacemakers, and throwing dentures using them as high velocity projectiles.”
