BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – CNN’s go-to media reporter Brian Stelter has been widely criticized for not offering up the full story about his network colleague Jeffrey Toobin, who was swept up in a Zoom masturbation scandal.

Stelter, however, offered a peculiar description of the alleged self-pleasuring. “Jeffrey Toobin has been sidelined at a pivotal moment in the run-up to the presidential election. The reason: He exposed himself during a Zoom call with New Yorker colleagues in what he says was an accident. We at CNN accept the fact that people can get aroused for various reasons, and Toobin’s ‘trigger’ happens to be when he sees multiple people on a screen speaking words that has one or more syllables.”