BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Vice President Kamala Harris is reportedly expressing discontent with the news coverage surrounding her performance as the nation’s second-highest office holder, citing her race and gender.

According to a piece by The New York Times, Harris has been privately complaining to her allies that the media’s coverage of her would be better if she were any of her 48 White male predecessors, and has reportedly confided in them about the difficulties she’s facing with her assigned portfolio from the White House.

“The media is constantly implying how dumb I am, yet there we some vice presidents in past that were almost as stupid,” she began. “I’m not black, I’m half Jamaican and half Indian. But the media still has not given me credit for regularly manipulating African-Americans, by playing the race card better than a seasoned poker player. And if this is the media’s attempt to coerce me into having press conferences, where I take questions on a variety of issues, they failed because I won’t bite. I’ll just continue to tell them as I have every single time I stepped in front of a microphone since I became vice president, that I will not answer any questions posed to me. And the public won’t be absolutely certain in how I feel on any subject.” Then she began to hysterically laugh hysterically as she spoke. “That’ll put the pressure on President Biden on why in the world he would choose me as his running mate. If people think I’m stupid, what does that make him?”