BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Conservatives on Twitter were appalled after President Joe Biden defended abortion by appealing to his natural rights as a “child of God.”

“I believe in God and I believe in the bible,” explained Biden. “I am a child of God because I safely got out the womb without incident. Once a person’s last toe exists the womb, the Almighty begins to love them, but not until then. I always try to follow God’s teachings, unless He accidentally contradicts U. S. federal laws, and in my opinion He should know better.”