BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – The United Nations and the International Committee of the Red Cross have directed Russian President Vladimir Putin to remove his “mountain of corpses,” said Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

“They abandoned their military,” Zelenskyy said in an interview with a Ukrainian news outlet. “They were dying, but they didn’t care. When the war started…they used to pretend that there were no corpses. The UN and the Red Cross said – take these bags away. Mountains of corpses of their military.”

Putin responded to the request by the UN and the Red Cross. “I am not going to waste time and valuable resources to retrieve some soldiers that can no longer fight,” he began. “So this is my counter offer. Put all the bodies in one big pile, burn them, and send me their ashes in small Tupperware containers, and I’ll mail them to their grieving next of kin, postage due.”