BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan warned parts of the East Coast could be “swallowed by the ocean” in a dissenting Supreme Court opinion in an environmental regulation case.

“If the current rate of emissions continues, children born this year could live to see parts of the Eastern seaboard swallowed by the ocean,” Kagan wrote in her dissent. “I personally know how bad things are, because last year as I was sitting at the shore of the Atlantic Ocean all night. I downed about three bottles of whiskey, when a mermaid crawled out of the ocean and explained to me how the ocean was gradually rising. When she spoke to me, my head was really spinning… so at least I think that’s what she told me.”