BREAKING NEWS – Portland, Oregon – Ben West remembers when Portland was a funky, artsy “crown jewel of the West Coast” with a great food scene.

“Portland is a hollowed out shell of what it used to be,” said West, a Clackamas County commissioner. “Businesses are fleeing and people are leaving for greener pastures.”

Public safety officials across Oregon have complained of rising crime in their communities, but, according to police data, crime is spiking much more dramatically in Portland than the statewide average. Shocking and often gruesome headlines have become commonplace in the state’s most populous county.

Governor Tina Kotek weighed in on West’s assessment.

“Even though Ben West’s numbers are correct, I look at the situation differently,” she began. “Yes, concede that murders in Portland are more common and brutal than ever, but that should be understandable because it is the largest city in the state. And I am confident that the murders will continue to grow until they rival the number of killings of the average big city. However, if the numbers continue to grow after that, I will take immediate action, publicly condemning the unacceptable behavior. But for now, I’ll continue to closely monitor the killings and slayings, waiting for them to rise to a point where I think I should intervene.”