BREAKING NEWS – San Francisco, California – The San Francisco Board of Supervisors is considering recommendations from the city’s African American Reparations Advisory Committee to make amends for slavery, including paying qualifying Black residents a one-time lump sum of $5 million, the elimination of personal debt and tax burdens, and guaranteeing annual incomes of at least $97,000 for 250 years.

Mayor London Breed crunched the numbers and announced that she has figured out a way to reach the financial goals of the African American Reparations Advisory Committee. “It’s simple,” she began. “This is how we raise the money. We send the National Guard to take every penny from the treasury of all states that legalized slavery back the the 1800s’s, and confiscate the bank accounts of every white person in those states, that has saved $1000 or more. I have other ideas too, but people may feel they are unreasonable.”