I really hope that you can help me. My friends tell me that you are the best. However, after reading your column, I think that you are totally worthless, but you are my last resort. My wife and her sister have planned a camping vacation for our two families. My niece and son get along great and for the most part, the two families get along. So what’s the problem? My sister-in-law has a very shrill voice that shatters crystal. She also gets lost walking 200 feet down the road. Unfortunately, every time my wife and her get together, they both bring each other down mentally. Her husband and I try to get away, but they give us evil looks when we try to escape. I’m afraid that I might wind up in the funny farm (or worse) after this vacation. Please help!
Signed, Magic Michael
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Dear Magic Michael,
You have listed several issues that I’ll address. But when you said I’m your last resort, that indicates that you’re probably over the edge and beyond help, and likely contacting me from a mental health facility. First of all, never vacation with in-laws, because not only does it puts you in close quarters with a bunch of weirdos, but if often sparks and uncontrollable desire to commit a brutal murder. Don’t assume it’s good that your son and niece get along. Because in today’s society that more than likely means they both are secretly experimenting with drugs, and it’s a fairly good chance if you check both of their backpacks before they go to school, each of them have fake I. D’s and marijuana cards. Your sister-in-law has a very shrill voice that shatters crystal? That may or not be useful, because that type of voice can either repel wolves and bears or attract them, so you should conduct a test. Have her walk 200 feet away from the campgrounds at night. If she doesn’t get devoured during the night, and the following morning she’s aimlessly wandering around the forest still trying to find her tent, then her irritating voice has protected everyone from wild dangerous animals. And lastly, if your sister-in-law and your wife gives you and her husband some evil looks when you two try to get away, the solution is simple. Have the women pose in the distance while you take their picture. But first contact a skilled lumberjack that wants to make some quick cash. Tell him to cut down a tree, and you want it to land on predetermined spot… specifically on top of the women’s heads. Keep in mind, redwoods are big enough to push them through to China, just in case you plan to vacation there next year. I hope this helps.