BREAKING NEWS – Maui, Hawaii – During an upcoming interview with Oprah Winfrey at her home in Maui, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong angrily accuses the Tour de France of being unreasonable for refusing to meet him in the middle regarding cheating allegations. Armstrong stated that he will admit to using performance enhancing drugs to win, if the Tour de France will let him keep half of his trophies. According the the United Nations, this is the first time since World War II that the United States has emphatically backed the French on anything.