BREAKING NEWS – Portland, Oregon – The mayor of Portland has urged organizers to shut down “alt-right” President Trump rallies planned for the upcoming weekend. Liberal Mayor Ted Wheeler said “alt-right demonstrations” always fuel hatred, and he boldly declared, “I will not allow opposing opinions from conservatives in this city.” Wheeler then ordered the Police Chief to urge anti- Trump protesters to start riots, and for the Fire Chief to show the demonstrators how to minimize people from getting injured, by teaching them the proper way to torch businesses.